I Wanted to Protect You!

In my office the other day, my clients Yishai and Sarah* were discussing a recent spike in their family expenses. To solve the issue, Yishai offered to bring in money from a different account to cover the unusually large expense. 

At first Sarah looked relieved, but then her face reddened with anger. It was clear she had no idea about this “other account”.

“What’s the matter?” Yishai asked, “I’ve been putting extra money from my payroll away every week in a separate account so we should have something extra in the future. I’m protecting you and the family!”

Sarah couldn’t even muster a response, but the look on her face said it all.  All those weeks of denial and stress flashed through her head. Questions about what else was hidden caused her stomach to clench.

Surprise gifts? No problem. Surprise bank accounts, big problem.

In some relationships, one spouse doesn’t want to know about money and appreciates the other handling everything.  If that works, fine.  It’s when both spouses are supposedly working together to manage their funds and expenses that secret accounts become very problematic.

What is Financial Infidelity? 

In financial therapy terms, this is called “Financial Infidelity” the act of keeping information about family money away from your spouse. In business, it would be one partner keeping financial information and resources hidden from the other. Financial Infidelity causes the same pain and loss of trust as any other act of infidelity.

One Step Forward

The first step for Yishai is to apologize for his mistake. It will take a lot of time and work to repair the lost trust. 

Yishai realized he needed to make changes so he will never make this mistake again. That evening, Yishai asked Sarah to sit down with him so he could share their financial numbers and account access information with her. 

Activity: 

1. Set aside a money date with your spouse or partner. 
2. Enjoy a coffee, tea, or Mojito together. 
3. Create a shared spreadsheet with all your accounts, contracts, passwords and usernames.
4. For business, review your financial statements together, on a monthly / quarterly / annual basis. Have your accountant / controller join, so all questions are answered.

“Financial Infidelity causes the same pain and loss of trust as any other act of infidelity.”

*names changed